Ten: Improve your vocabulary
Read a few articles on social networking for businesses, new software, or computer programming. Pick out all the confusing jargon and lingo. Use phrases using these terms freely when in conversations with your boss and co-workers. You don’t have to know what you’re saying but you’ll sure sound pretty impressive.
Nine: Never walk empty handed
Always have a document or some type of paperwork. People with nothing in their hands look like they are on their way to a smoke break, the cafeteria, or the coffee machine. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they are on their way to the bathroom. People with documents and paperwork in their hands look like they are hardworking, busy, and probably headed to some kind of important meeting. So next time you sneak out for a smoke break make sure you have a TPS report in your hands.
Eight: Use your computer to look busy
Anytime you are sitting in front of your computer staring at the screen it looks like “work.” You can pay your bills online, respond to personal e-mails, chat, read the newspaper, or even update your facebook status. Not doing anything productive or work related, but you sure look like you’re working hard. When you get caught by HR or your boss...which you will...just claim your learning to use a new software, a new program, or new technology, saving your employer valuable time and money on training. By the way, CBSSportsline.com has really helped out us guys in this area. During the NCAA tournaments, baseball playoffs, or other big sporting event, they allow you to watch live and also have a boss button. If your boss or a nosy co-worker glances over click the boss button and your instantly re-routed to a page that looks like an excel spreadsheet, leaving others thinking your hard at work, little do they know your checking out scores for your NCAA bracket. Thank you CBS.
Seven: Use your Voice mail
You should never, ever, ever, ever, ever answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you at work just to say hi, they call you because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to spend your day...actually working...insanity. Screen all your calls using your voice mail. If someone leaves you a message and it sounds like they have work for you to do get back to them over the lunch hour when you know they are not going to be there. This makes it look like you are thoughtful and hardworking...even though your just a dirty little hamster avoiding work.
Six: Don’t have a clean desk
Only corporate and management can get away with having a clean and organized desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you are not working hard enough. Stack huge piles of paper on your desk. It doesn’t have to be real paperwork, just go to the office recycling box, take out a big stack of paper others have discarded and throw it on your desk. To the casual observer it looks like work and a large volume of it. If you know your boss or a co-worker will be coming by your cubicle for a document, place that document in the middle of the stack of papers. This way, when you look for it, you’ll have to dig through stacks and stacks of paperwork to find it, leaving them thinking you’re a hardworking employee buried in work.
Five: Send important e-mails at odd hours
Especially on weekends and even holidays.You don’t necessarily have to be working, set your alarm clock for 2 A.M. send out that TPS report and go back to bed. You don’t actually have to be working, but people will think you are, which is what is most important. This will make you look like a hardworking and dedicated employee. Your boss may even become concerned your working too hard and insist you take some time off to relax and unwind.
Four: Look impatient and annoyed
If you’re a fan of the hit television show Seinfeld, you know George Costanza says one should always try to look impatient and annoyed to give the impression that your overworked and always busy. If you need a lesson on how to do this just flip on an old re-run of Seinfeld to take your cues from George. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding one either, Seinfeld re-runs are on about a dozen times a day on various channels. Hey...you could even watch an episode at work...refer to number eight above, or number three below.
Three: Always leave late
You should always leave the office late. You want to try to do this while the boss is still around. It doesn’t matter what you do; play with a yoyo, watch episodes of the Seinfeld or The Office on your computer, read a book. The key is to always leave late and make sure you walk past your boss’s office on the way out.
Two: Sigh for effect
Sigh and sigh loudly when there are many people around. This will give others the impression that you are worked too hard and under extreme pressure.
One: This is the most important rule of them all.
I hope you’re paying attention. DON’T E-MAIL THIS TO YOUR BOSS!!!!
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